Twitterpatted

Spring is here, and love is in the air. The birds chase each other, flirting by showing off their colorful wings. The bucks are butting their antlers against one another for their lady doe. And close friends are hooking up, showing off their ring. It is the season of love. Me? Am I in love? I am indeed. I am in love with my Creator who has specifically designed me for a purpose. I am in love with my Savior who died for me so that I might be included in the family photos. And He loves me in return. 

A real man though? Am I at this moment falling for someone after all this time healing from my past break up? Could someone fall for a man that she barely knows? Animals do it all the time. But what about heartbreak? I don't want to get hurt again but yet another duchsbag. I don't need that. But this man...is different. He seems to really care. Unfortunately, he lives far away from where I am. Although, that isn't stopping him from coming up to stay with me for a weekend. I don't know how to make out what I am feeling. I don't know if it is right to like him so. Perhaps my lonely, broken heart is eager to attach itself to the first man that shows any sort of affection for me. Perhaps I am not ready to feel love again after so much pain. Perhaps I am not ready to trust another man with my heart. But am I falling for a man in this spring season? Am I twitterpatted? 

I believe I am. 

Expanding Abyss Between Us....

I am writing this to a man I love. My best friend. My lover. This is for you.

Long ago, you were my best friend and I fell for your charm. We got closer and began dating. We sometimes went to the movies or ate in restaurants together. I thought I would never be happier in my whole life. But life suddenly grew two heads. It seemed that our relationship became simple, yet confusing. Calm, but chaotic. Happy, yet sorrowful. And the more fights that arose, the more tightly I held on to you, because I didn't want to lose you! I wanted to be all you wanted.

But you left me. I suddenly found myself abandoned with a broken and bitter heart in my bloody hands. I had lost my best friend and the man I loved. I do not understand all of your reasons for erasing yourself out of my life the way you did. I feel as if the abyss between us grows larger with each passing day. But I am learning to live without you somehow. Time heals wounds. I accept the fact that we were not made to be lovers. I accept that you do not want to have anything more to do with me, although I do not know why you hate me so. In public, you pretend that I am invisible to you- do I disgust you that much? You don't want to talk. You don't want to be friends. And even though it kills me, I accept it. However, I still want to be your friend if at all possible.

So if there is ever a time that you think of me. If there is ever even a time that you remember and check my blog. I want you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you, dear friend. 

Day & Night

I have been having nightmares. Every other night. I wake up sweating and my heart pounding. It seems I shall never escape this lonesome heartache of mine- neither by day nor by night. Run as I may, it catches me. Hide as I may, it always finds me. Oh God, there must be more to life than living in fear. But the question remains: shall I ever find it? Shall I ever find true joy amidst this gut-wrenching hurting? Will I ever love again? How many times can a heart break before it cannot be mended anymore? 

"Porcelain Heart"

Broken heart
One more time
Pick yourself up
Why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole 

You know You pray
This can't be the way
You cry You say
Some thing's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Of mine....

Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break

Creator only you take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again

You know You pray 
This can't be the way 
You cry You say 
Some thing's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart
Please mend this porcelain heart 
Of mine, of mine 
Creator mend this heart

The Magic Glue of Jesus

Jesus did you bring the glue?? I have a broken heart that needs to be put back together. Your love is a glue like no other. It can smooth down even the most jagged, and painful cracks of the heart.

Today I feel worthless, and unloved. But I now understand the power of your love a little better. You unconditionally loved us while we were still sinners. How we degraded the holiness of your Being! We hid from you, hated you, and rebelled against you. Yet, you chased after our rebellious souls because you still loved us! Tomorrow is Christmas- the day you were born into this dark world in order that you might redeem us. You gave up everything in order that you might set an example for us to follow. Yet, we despised you and killed you. Your own blood was spilled to provide restoration for our wretched selves. We treated you like you were worthless, but yet you still gave yourself up for us. 

I now understand how devastating the broken relationship must have been with our Awesome Creator when we rebelled against Him. If there is anyone that understands what a broken relationship looks like, it's me. For I know what it feels like to love someone and get rejected.

Jesus- you are the Restorer of relationships. You can bring me hope. Hope for an end to this hurt and pain. You can bring me love. A love that is endures no matter what. You can bring me joy. A joyful rejoicing that rises above my current circumstances. You can bring me healing. Your caring purpose in my life is the healing salve for my mangled heart. Help me to trust your promises, and to know that you are faithful and true. 

Did you bring the glue Jesus? For I have a hurting heart that needs to be healed. 

Chirp, Chirp, Chirp

A little, yellow parakeet confined in an empty cage.
Perhaps a little lonely, he sits there all alone.
He hears the many birds sing outside the open window
And longs to join them with his own song
But all he can do is chirp along
To the beautiful and freeing chorus of the birds...

Loosening the Grip

EXPECTATIONS. Such a word calls for a certain standard of things. If I expected my mom to cook dinner, I had a standard for her to measure up to which would be cooking dinner. I do not consider myself a planner. I live my life through a series of random actions and thoughts. But somehow in my web of thinking, I have found that I hold high expectations for my family and friends.
God had expectations for us as well. His standard was perfection. And I know I have fallen mightily short of His standard. So why does he still love me? Why does he still remain faithful to me if I constantly fail Him? Because he knows we are human. We are going to make mistakes. So why then, do I hold such lofty expectations for the loved ones around me when I know that I myself couldn't even measure up to them? I am not perfect, just like everyone else. So why not loosen the tight grip that I have on my expectations and perhaps I might be surprised by others around me.