Being 19...

It is precisely 12:29 AM. It doesn't feel any different.


I remember when I was a happy-go-lucky 12 yr old writing in my diary on my bedroom floor. I picked up a pencil and wrote in my ugly, scrawny hand writing, "I can't wait until I am 19. It will be so cool."


Tonight, I sit in my secluded room, alone with my thoughts. I never felt any winds of change. In fact, I felt...rather sad. Tears spill down my cheeks. Today, I will be spending my birthday alone. All my friends are gone, away at college. I, the lonely commuter, will drive to school by myself. I will shuffle to class quietly. I will sit with other students and pretend that everything is ok, because I know they aren't my friends. They won't know the difference of when I am ok and when I am faking it. I will take my psychology exam in my regular seat, the row on the right....by myself. And then I will go home and probably cry some more.

What is a birthday if you can't share the joy with anyone?? I look out my window and notice that there aren't even any stars out tonight....

Being 18...

Tonight is my last day being 18. And so I sit and ponder about exactly what it was like to be an 18 year old...

Being 18:
FIRST 6 MONTHS
It was the best year of my life! I found the best boyfriend in the whole world. 3/4 of the year was spent being real with this man, and he has made me completely happy. I opened up to my friends so much more this year and really showed the true me. My clothing style is completely different than when I was seventeen; I have three amazing pairs of leg warmers now, skinny jeans, my boots (lol), and just fancier outfits- stuff that makes me....ME. I also fell in love with hip hop music; I blame Cole. lol. If we hadn't gone late night bowling every Sunday night, I would not be blaring Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" on my way to school every morning. But it was so much fun... I bought my first car, Gracie I call her. I also graduated from high school, which was a great accomplishment for me. I memorized Conestoga's 12 year Bible memory program in less than 2 years, and for that I thank my heavenly Father above for blessing me with such ability!

LAST 6 MONTHS
But also Lord, you brought broken hearts to me throughout the year as well. The weight of their struggle and pain drained me inside to the point where I could not even function some days without your strength. I would curl up on my bed and cry for hours some days, overwhelmed by the sorrowful weight that laid upon my shoulders! How could I survive another day I would ask myself? There was an aching gash in my heart and I could not fix it! But you wanted to reach them and you chose me as your mirrored vessel. My boyfriend and I went through some difficulties as well- nobody is perfect. It strengthened us in the end. But solitude was what I struggled with the most. Alone all the time, at school, at home, sometimes even at church without my friends. I felt alone in the world; never have I felt so small and unimportant before. I was only one in the crowd. Trusting You with my future was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my entire life this year! But oh Jesus you brought me through, ahahaha with much fighting and kicking along the way, but we made it Friend!.....I thank you for my life....for everything....

To My Designer of Life

Father God, oh Creator of this world, you sprinkled glitter on the universe to make stars. Then you saw that it was good and decided to add a twinkle in my eye! Magic flows out from your finger tips! You spilled paint onto the earth from the brush of your fingers. Green droplets splattered on the grass. Brown landed on logs and dirt. Blue tears of paint were blown into the ocean. You looked down and saw that color was good and decided to display it in my eyes and hair! Oh Mr. Magician how do you do it??!! I am confounded by your skill! You pull a white rabbit not from a hat but from thin air!
Your voice- it has power. All creation listens to hear your firm and resounding voice! And yet, it drips of love. Like the wind that stirs the trees you speak to me in a gentle whisper. You cradle my delicate framework, affirming your love for me. Your linked your fingers with mine to teach me to walk, and later teach me to dance. You gave me the moon. I fix my gaze on it and see your smile.

Designer of the Stars- I want you to know that your creation, Megan Joy, loves you! She is glad to dance. She loves listening to your wise words. She loves saying good morning to you as she walks to class. She will let you write all the chapters of her life, for You are the greatest Author of all time!

Diary Entry

6/28/08
12:16 AM

Tonight was my last night at Michelangelos. I have never had such a sorrowful and rejoicing night at the same time before. I had quit last Thursday and tonight was my last night. I always knew it was coming, but couldn’t believe how quickly it arrived. I said goodbye to everyone and then just walked out. Through the employee doors, out the front entrance, into the car, and drove home. And now...

It has been 592 days since I started working there. Almost 2 years! Tons of people have passed through Michelangelos, but I will never forget my time there. It will always be reminder of how tolerance of evil can destroy your spiritual perception of things, how every minute working there could have been a witnessing opportunity, and finally, an ever present realization that I will not be able to save every unbeliever I love from the gates of hell but rather must lay my faith and trust in God’s firm foundation. I am not held responsible for them. And I am stating this as a reminder more than a fact for me. Because I feel very responsible. I will always remember those I love there, and how they broke my heart. They have made an imprint me and I shall never forget them. Never. I feel lost on this path that suddenly chose me to travel on it. I can’t see my direction. The only sure and true thing I can rely on is Christ alone.