Day & Night

I have been having nightmares. Every other night. I wake up sweating and my heart pounding. It seems I shall never escape this lonesome heartache of mine- neither by day nor by night. Run as I may, it catches me. Hide as I may, it always finds me. Oh God, there must be more to life than living in fear. But the question remains: shall I ever find it? Shall I ever find true joy amidst this gut-wrenching hurting? Will I ever love again? How many times can a heart break before it cannot be mended anymore? 

"Porcelain Heart"

Broken heart
One more time
Pick yourself up
Why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole 

You know You pray
This can't be the way
You cry You say
Some thing's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Of mine....

Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break

Creator only you take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again

You know You pray 
This can't be the way 
You cry You say 
Some thing's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart
Please mend this porcelain heart 
Of mine, of mine 
Creator mend this heart

The Magic Glue of Jesus

Jesus did you bring the glue?? I have a broken heart that needs to be put back together. Your love is a glue like no other. It can smooth down even the most jagged, and painful cracks of the heart.

Today I feel worthless, and unloved. But I now understand the power of your love a little better. You unconditionally loved us while we were still sinners. How we degraded the holiness of your Being! We hid from you, hated you, and rebelled against you. Yet, you chased after our rebellious souls because you still loved us! Tomorrow is Christmas- the day you were born into this dark world in order that you might redeem us. You gave up everything in order that you might set an example for us to follow. Yet, we despised you and killed you. Your own blood was spilled to provide restoration for our wretched selves. We treated you like you were worthless, but yet you still gave yourself up for us. 

I now understand how devastating the broken relationship must have been with our Awesome Creator when we rebelled against Him. If there is anyone that understands what a broken relationship looks like, it's me. For I know what it feels like to love someone and get rejected.

Jesus- you are the Restorer of relationships. You can bring me hope. Hope for an end to this hurt and pain. You can bring me love. A love that is endures no matter what. You can bring me joy. A joyful rejoicing that rises above my current circumstances. You can bring me healing. Your caring purpose in my life is the healing salve for my mangled heart. Help me to trust your promises, and to know that you are faithful and true. 

Did you bring the glue Jesus? For I have a hurting heart that needs to be healed. 

Chirp, Chirp, Chirp

A little, yellow parakeet confined in an empty cage.
Perhaps a little lonely, he sits there all alone.
He hears the many birds sing outside the open window
And longs to join them with his own song
But all he can do is chirp along
To the beautiful and freeing chorus of the birds...

Loosening the Grip

EXPECTATIONS. Such a word calls for a certain standard of things. If I expected my mom to cook dinner, I had a standard for her to measure up to which would be cooking dinner. I do not consider myself a planner. I live my life through a series of random actions and thoughts. But somehow in my web of thinking, I have found that I hold high expectations for my family and friends.
God had expectations for us as well. His standard was perfection. And I know I have fallen mightily short of His standard. So why does he still love me? Why does he still remain faithful to me if I constantly fail Him? Because he knows we are human. We are going to make mistakes. So why then, do I hold such lofty expectations for the loved ones around me when I know that I myself couldn't even measure up to them? I am not perfect, just like everyone else. So why not loosen the tight grip that I have on my expectations and perhaps I might be surprised by others around me.

Being 19...

It is precisely 12:29 AM. It doesn't feel any different.


I remember when I was a happy-go-lucky 12 yr old writing in my diary on my bedroom floor. I picked up a pencil and wrote in my ugly, scrawny hand writing, "I can't wait until I am 19. It will be so cool."


Tonight, I sit in my secluded room, alone with my thoughts. I never felt any winds of change. In fact, I felt...rather sad. Tears spill down my cheeks. Today, I will be spending my birthday alone. All my friends are gone, away at college. I, the lonely commuter, will drive to school by myself. I will shuffle to class quietly. I will sit with other students and pretend that everything is ok, because I know they aren't my friends. They won't know the difference of when I am ok and when I am faking it. I will take my psychology exam in my regular seat, the row on the right....by myself. And then I will go home and probably cry some more.

What is a birthday if you can't share the joy with anyone?? I look out my window and notice that there aren't even any stars out tonight....

Being 18...

Tonight is my last day being 18. And so I sit and ponder about exactly what it was like to be an 18 year old...

Being 18:
FIRST 6 MONTHS
It was the best year of my life! I found the best boyfriend in the whole world. 3/4 of the year was spent being real with this man, and he has made me completely happy. I opened up to my friends so much more this year and really showed the true me. My clothing style is completely different than when I was seventeen; I have three amazing pairs of leg warmers now, skinny jeans, my boots (lol), and just fancier outfits- stuff that makes me....ME. I also fell in love with hip hop music; I blame Cole. lol. If we hadn't gone late night bowling every Sunday night, I would not be blaring Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" on my way to school every morning. But it was so much fun... I bought my first car, Gracie I call her. I also graduated from high school, which was a great accomplishment for me. I memorized Conestoga's 12 year Bible memory program in less than 2 years, and for that I thank my heavenly Father above for blessing me with such ability!

LAST 6 MONTHS
But also Lord, you brought broken hearts to me throughout the year as well. The weight of their struggle and pain drained me inside to the point where I could not even function some days without your strength. I would curl up on my bed and cry for hours some days, overwhelmed by the sorrowful weight that laid upon my shoulders! How could I survive another day I would ask myself? There was an aching gash in my heart and I could not fix it! But you wanted to reach them and you chose me as your mirrored vessel. My boyfriend and I went through some difficulties as well- nobody is perfect. It strengthened us in the end. But solitude was what I struggled with the most. Alone all the time, at school, at home, sometimes even at church without my friends. I felt alone in the world; never have I felt so small and unimportant before. I was only one in the crowd. Trusting You with my future was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my entire life this year! But oh Jesus you brought me through, ahahaha with much fighting and kicking along the way, but we made it Friend!.....I thank you for my life....for everything....